Fatherhood

I am thinking about my father a lot these days. That may be a strange way to start a blog (my first) but my wife is due to give birth at the end of January and that has turned my thoughts backwards as well as to the future. I remember him in the round (he has been dead fifteen years) and recall his various positive qualities (kindness, courtesy, erudition and common sense) with his more infuriating (he could be a 'mood hoover' sometimes) and wonder how I will measure up as a father.

As I drift in to my forties, I have increasingly taken on his views and values about society, as well as that quality of inexuberance (is that a valid word?). However, it strikes me that my generation strives to maintain the appearance of youth (consider all the grooming products available to both sexes - should that be 'genders' nowadays? - the way we dress and the views we profess) whereas as my father's was just more comfortable with the notion of getting older and eventually dying. I would be loathe to admit this to my friends, but I am much more like Mark from Peepshow (watch it if you haven't already) than Jez - my guilty secret is that I would like to have a pipe and smoking jacket. Will fatherhood push me further into old fashioned middle age or will I claw back some rebellious quality? Will a baby stir up youth or senescance?